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Are you unable to talk to your ex-spouse - choose your children first.......

Tonight I have a few suggestions for people who are separated and/or divorced about having no relationship with your ex-spouse. Are you not talking to your ex-spouse and can’t come to an agreement as two adults, what are you doing to your children and best to yourself?

When you say something derogative to your children about your ex-spouse, you are directly saying the same thing about your children. If you say, “your father is stupid” you are telling your children that they are in fact stupid. Remember that your children come from you and your ex-spouse. Children unfortunately get caught in the middle of their mother and father’s divorce as pawns in a chess game. One parent or both looking for the control they feel they do not have. Compromise and conversation is always the winning ticket in this situation.

Parents need to remember that seeking help such as a self help group,counselling and talking about the realities of separation and divorce can help you on the road to healing. Staying angry will never let you move forward.

I also recommend family therapy for the whole family so everyone has a chance to speak about how they are feeling. Children also have a voice and feelings about the new life change that has occurred. **Parents listen very carefully to your children because they often have very real ideas that will help the situation.**

Parents put your children first and love them enough to let go of your feelings for your ex-spouse. You are the adult in this situation and you can choose to work this situation out.

Talking to your ex-spouse and often giving up the control you feel that you are lacking over your ex-spouse or your child is something you must work out on your own. The hard reality is your marriage is over, and probably was for a very long time. This is the truth, and the reality is you have the rest of your life to live and your children have probably been suffering through this relationship ending for years.

I always like to remind parents that children watch you all very closely. Do you not want them to end a relationship if they fall out of love and the marriage is not working? I would hope you say, yes.

Tomorrow I will BLOG “what a happy relationship looks like” and how children thrive when parents are happy.

Happy Parents....Happy Children


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Are you a person who is staying in your marriage for your childrens sake?

Are you in a marriage that is not functioning?  Are you the person that says, "I am staying in my marriage, for my childrens sake."

Are you in a loveless and lifeless marriage? What are you demonstrating to your children?  You are saying very clearly, "that it is ok to be in a union that has no life, love or fun." 

Marriages that are healthy, show signs of affection such as; kissing, hugging, touching and laughing together is a life full of fun. 

Ignoring, silence and no affection speaks loud and clear to children watching on the sidelines. 

What are we teaching our children?  We are teaching them that it is OK to be unhappy, miserable and in a relationship that is non functioning. 

WAIT......are you really sure you want to give these messages to your sons and daughters?  Be clear about this, they are watching you and will take this message with them going forward into relationships of their own.

By the way you are worth a better and happier life AND so are your children.  Remember you are your childrens greatest teacher and they ware watching you and what you are doing. 

Be brave and find the support you need: you and your children are worth it.


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Separation & Divorce in York Region

Did you know that right here in York Region, we have people who are separated and divorced?

I am asked on a daily basis why I started the York Region Separated & Divorce Self-Help Group, which meets every other Monday night in Aurora. My answer is...I saw a need for a self-help group to support people who are going through separation and divorce in a non-judgmental, no religion and open sharing format.

We discuss topics such as parenting, sadness, anger, conflict, and many other related topics that the group and I choose together.

Many people view separation and divorce as a "death" well in many ways it is a "birth". Why? Well, one or both parties decide that the marriage is no longer functioning and it is best to end the union. Sounds simple? Well it's not, not at all.

Together we discuss the issues at hand and I encourage all participants to move forward in life and find new ways to live life without the anger, disappointment and sadness of the ended marriage. Relationships end, but your life can move forward and be fulfilled in other ways and who knows you may just find that person in this world you were meant to be with.

Happiness starts with your choice to be happy. You would be surprised, when you are happy so is everyone else around you...most of all your children. It is your choice.


ps  Ask me about my support for parents with the creation of parenting plans.
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